Polyamory is Specific, but You as a Person Can be Many Things.

From a conversation I had with a lovely person about closed groups when the people are polyamorous.

“Being polyamorous does not mean you necessarily want open relationships. Dating/ establishing multiple people/relationships does not mean that a specific relationship is open.

The purpose would be whatever the particular relational group needs or desires.

*Example: I don’t have open relationships. I am not monogamous. However, I don’t necessarily desire to have other people in my relationships with other partners though it is always open to negotiation.

I am also a relationship anarchist. Nevertheless, I have no desire to be open in all of my connections. Like I don’t want to be open to interacting as a slave with every person I date or every submissive a partner may date, thinking we are sub-siblings.*

It’s descriptive and general to inform that there are specific agreements.

It is a mistake to conflate polyamory as a non-monogamy or open relationship umbrella. It is a specific type of non-monogamy and does not necessarily also encompass open relationships.

This is actually where a lot of people screw up. They assume that it’s all the same and it is not. Moreover, it also makes conversations hard because people feel they are being judged when their language is being corrected.

This is also where a lot of abuse and manipulation in the polyamorous community come from. A lot of people say they are polyamorous but are actually a different type of nonmonogamous, and when they practice their other types of nonmonogamy while claiming polyamory, their partners or metas are viewed as controlling.

You cannot claim polyamory if you are simply a swinger, want a fuck buddy only, etc. It’s more extensive than that, though it’s not necessarily related to prioritizing others over others or escalators, though, and some people also try to portray it like that.

You can be multiple things, however.

Nonmonogamy is the central umbrella then there are 1) ethical non-monogamy which yes houses polyamory, 2) consensual non-monogamy, 3) and non-consensual non-monogamy.

You can be multiple things, in any case.

The first two are used interchangeably colloquially, but there is a push to be specific that not everything that is consensual is actually ethical. Especially when most people view consent as a simple yes rather than reviewing the privilege and possible aspects of coercion, even subtle, you can be your authentic self without subtle coercion by establishing boundaries and discussing methods of having “living” or evolving agreements.

Figuring out your “whys” for you.

Disclaimer: Some of this is very confusing to non-kink folk.

My husband is my negotiated “primary partner.” I do not believe it the concept of traditional marriage. Our marriage is a negotiated contract noting his desire, which I also mutually benefit from as a person within his ownership/care. My husband is my Master. I am a slave in the BDSM lifestyle. I am a 24/7 slave in the BDSM lifestyle. So for those that don’t understand what that means, merely, I (a cisgender queer woman) am in a relationship with a cisgender male where he is entirely in charge of all aspects of my life. I believe in structure, so I tend to practice some form of hierarchy in partnerships, but not between/in comparison to relationships. I live with my Master (I’m not allowed to not live with him; I even tried negotiating that, but he said no). Since I live with him, we have a strict Head of Household relationship ( Non-gender role-based) as I am a dependent of his household and a member of his House.

But this is just that relationship, not all of my connections.

I still advocate for, defend, and protect my other partner’s interest and autonomy because I respect them. Whether they choose to be a member of his House, live in the same household, or have a completely separate relationship with rare interaction with him.

Seven years ago, when my partner and I negotiated to enter into a power imbalanced relationship. We did this despite my being a solo polyamorous relationship anarchist because apparently doing doesn’t make sense (lol), but I immensely enjoy a life of service and enjoy giving up control, I don’t necessarily enjoy restriction and being told what to do.

 So when I negotiated my relationship for the first time with Master, I made sure to include that my Master controls my life, but he does not control my partner’s autonomy. 

So often, I’m perplexed when people are talking about being a couple, and it impacting their relationships with their other partners so much. Like yea, life happens, but how does your spouse have say in how your other relationships function at their core. How are you not accepting responsibility for agreements you choose to enforce and adapt as your personal boundaries. I am even more weirded out when people talk about being a unit as in like being a single unit because they are a couple. Woah, its a lot for my brain. I function as an extension of his will and vision, but I’m still a whole person, an entire sperate person, with my own life, and goals, and desires. He has the right, the authority, to shape my life; however, he chooses. ( I suppose this is why people discuss so adamantly having a consistent language, so people are less insulted when folks ask for clarification and so that people are more clear about what they mean.)

Sometimes I wonder my confusion is because I started my relationship as a poly individual who believed profoundly in autonomy and in my ability to engage designer relationships that fit myself and each person that I was in a relationship with. I’ve never knowingly been in a monogamous relationship. I’ve always had other partners, except once in college, when I realized my partner thought flirting was weird and scolded me for being me and dump for not being able to commit.

But I always commit. I commit to my relationships. I have since I was in my first four-person relationship as a hinge of three at 12.

So I get confused a lot when folks discuss their entanglements with other people prioritize other folks or matter any more than what they choose for it to matter. 

My Master in a priority in my life. I am a priority in my life. I have a lot of priorities in my life, and someone of those priorities gets more or less time depending on the day.

In Hyatt Hermitage, the House in which I am slave has a suggested order of priorities.

• God/Spirituality
• Inner self
• Biological or chosen family
• Individual Education
• Individual Professional Goals/Career
• Dominant/submissive/significant others
• House/Household
• BDSM community
• Hobbies

It not exclusive, and its again suggested, but notice we put the individual above the grouping because each individual determines what feeds their inner-self. 

I don’t think Master and I do anything super snazzy when it comes to our relationship. We just talk. Maybe our ability to speak so much and to be as open and free-flowing with our lives and our M/s is because we are also people who were friends in high school, so we have known each other from back in the day ( 13 years I think). But also, Master and I are still young, and we started young. We grew up in our relationship. We fucked up. We gave each other grace. We hated each other and then realized we just didn’t know what we were doing because he was monogamous brain, and I wasn’t so we had to drop everything and make our fucking own.

Making our own beliefs and standards of relationship and given up on other measures and social expectations of how we look and function have helped us so much in being true to ourselves.

It has also helped us to really look at why we make the choices we make. Is it easier for us to make this decision because it’s less work on us? Together? As individuals? Are we considering our impacts on others? Have we decided we don’t care?

It made asking ourselves questions less scary because it feels like less of an attack on our self-identities and more of a chance to get to know ourselves and open up to those we need to open up too.

None of this means you won’t ever hurt someone due to entanglements. It doesn’t mean you are polying better. It doesn’t even mean you are also a better person. It just means you are open to trying to be better and do better by others as well.

I am a Strong Independent Polyamorous Black Woman and I have a Master.

 

I’ve seen a lot of conversation about this in the last year in slave circles. One thing that I have been asked multiple times is how does be strong and being a slave coexist. Its taken me a long time to figure out how they could possibly not.

In short, they will always be able to coexist because slavery in the BDSM subculture is no one specific thing. You can be Strong. You can be Independent, and you can be dedicated to another person completely because our perception of the meaning of a word is not always accurate to its truth or another person’s usage.

So…

There are a couple of ways that people can take this statement, but I’m going to tell you exactly what this means to me.

1. I have always taken care of myself. I grew up with that need due to life circumstances and it has carried into adulthood.

2. I am a non-monogamous woman. I practice polyamory, not for anyone else’s pleasure or need other than my own. This is my relational orientation and lovestyle. I live authentically and by my own design; By my choices for how to live. I am aware of all risk, but personally, I’m out to change the world anyway.

3. I am aware of the stereotypes surrounding black woman and fight against them and the negative impacts they have on us. Strong and Independent does not equate to 1) no need to have support from our partners, 2 our partners to not engage in partnerships with us, 3) a willingness to be used, or 4) to not engage in relationships. If we choose not to engage it is because you aren’t holding up your side in this partnership. That is one reason of many I have noted that some black woman chooses to engage in solo polyamory.

4. I am a slave and submit to the authority and ownership of another human being. I am specific is stating human being because I do not see Dominants of any gender to be omnipotent. They are flawed. They have emotions. They have needs and desires just as important as mine. I choose to give another person who I have negotiated with, trust, and have gotten to know intimately, not sexually, authority and control over every decision about my life because I know we are in alignment and if I am told “No” or to do other than I wish it for a very good reason. I live to serve and it does not take away from my identity, my way of living and loving, and my ambitions.

Remember that we are all faceted individuals and capable of so much.

Intersecting D/s and poly – The escalator to forever.

Originally posted in Black and Poly BDSM Style a cross-posted to the Poly littles and their Caregivers page.

In both the vanilla and poly words we all fall prey to the heartbreak and disappointment of forever.

We forget that no one can see the future or control it and that people and their needs change over time.

Forever can be a month or it can be till death, but realistically forever does not exist.

One thing that people, regardless of D/s interactions where one is owned and becomes their owner’s property or a free individual in a vanilla relationship, should strive to do is to enjoy the moments and cherish the memories.

Your version of forever may happen, but barring abuse and lies, be conscious that people do change and that is ok.

Submissives. Did you not change from an unowned individuals to constantly reminding yourself of your place?

Slaves, did you not learn to submit yourself to your Master in mind, body, and spirit?

Dominants, Have you not learned what it means to have ownership and what it means to be a leader so that you may have the authority and take on responsibility for the life of another person?

Those who are not in D/s exchanges, have you not learned that you do not own your partner? That you may make a request?
Have you not learned to reconstruct your view of relationships and take responsibility for your emotions?

You have experienced growth in your journey and that can change past agreements.

If also like to give you a second perspective of “forever”? If you look up the term, “continually” is also listed as a definition of forever.

This means that when someone says forever and the relationship ends they did necessarily stop loving you. It most likely means the type of love shifted. Not all valid love is romantic. As an aromantic person, I myself am very familiar with the various types of love.

What are the types of love?

•  Eros which is sexual or passionate love. This is the type of love commonly associated with our view of love in romantic relationships.
• Philia which is friendship. This is a very unrated type of love in our western society and a cause of strict division in our views of relationships and their fluidity.
• Storge which is a familial type of love where we group together. This is where familial ties come into play.
• Agape which is a general sense of love. This is what I consider a base love that all of us have. It is our humanity and compacity to care for other people who have no ties to us.
• Ludus which is uncommitted love. A lot of us are familiar with this type of love and how much it can help us grow.
• Pragma which is love that is also accompanied by practicality.
•  Philautia which is self-love and self-love is something that many of us do not know we struggle with.

You see, there are listed seven forms of one of the emotional and chemical based experiences that we as human have. All of those are beautiful in their own right and give us what we crave if we are open to it.

And as polyamorous individuals, I see our community still struggling to be open to the many shapes a relationship can take. That there are those who still run from the idea that your partners do not have to be everything for you or carbon copies of each other. That we do not need to have a relationship that is going to reach a certain point, but that there is a difference in negotiating the option that we have that destination in mind.

You can have your escalator, the final destination just may not be what you imagined.

 

Terms to look up:

Queerplatonic relationship, zucchini, aromantic relationship, platonic relationship, close friendship, romantic friendship, friends with benefits, sexual relationship

 

Links:
The 4 Kinds of Love Relationships

Intersecting D/s and poly: Making your fantasy a reality.

Originally posted in Black and Poly BDSM Style a cross-posted to the Poly littles and their Caregivers page.

Let’s make one thing exceedingly clear.

Non-monogamous and BDSM relationships are designer relationships.  Unlike monogamy, designer relationships don’t have a set framework agreed upon by society as a whole. At its base, we can agree that a monogamous pairing is a partnership. There are certainly variables to monogamous partnerships, but generally, if you know someone is in a relationship you understand that there is another partner and they are likely exclusive to that person to an extent.
With non-monogamy, however, it gets extremely complex with the variety of groupings and types of relationships just one person can be in as one hinge to multiple people.
This is what makes these relationships designer. Not because polyamory and D/s are often branded as for the well-off and white. It is because we actually have to construct what our relationships will look like by figuring out who we are and what we want and need.

The great thing about this is that it creates a pretty little picture in our head of what our ideal polycule will look like. The bad thing is that a lot of us don’t have the emotional literacy or realism to understand that that image is a fantasy. When real people and their emotions, mental health, and baggage come along it breaks that fantasy.

What most people don’t understand is that you don’t have to chuck the whole idea, just the unrealistic parts that objectify and erase the reality of your partners having personhood, and it is a hell of a lot of hard work for a fraction of the good times.

But is worth it to you do a lot of individual and group processing to have your ideal eventually?

It is achievable.
So what kind of work am I talking about? Let’s list a few key concepts.

Communicate

Communication is not a skill you are born with. It is something learned and it not just that you necessarily pick up through socialization.
Communicating is a constant multi-step process.

1. Creation
2. Transmission
3. Reception
4. Translation
5. Response

SMART GOAL setting

Fusing reality and fantasy into something healthy and stable is a long-term goal. I actually teach people about goal setting on a regular basis, it part of my job. One of the first things I ask people is if they are familiar with the concept of SMART goal setting.

So what does SMART answer?

Specific- answers the questions who and what. What EXACTLY do you want?

Measurable- answers the question how. How will you know you reached your goal?

Attainable- is your goal realistic? Can it be achieved in the time you set?

Relevant- does this goal fit in with your overall vision?

Timed- goals should have a clearly defined time frame.

Asking yourself these questions helps you to ground yourself. It gives you a chance to pause and meditate on your choices and the desires to determine if it is really what you want if you are ready for it, and if you have the emotional and cognitive ability to take on the personal responsibility for the fallout of your actions.

Active Listening

Active listening is also one of those actions you have to learn. If you have ever had a conversation with someone only to have them say ” You aren’t paying attention” or some similar statement you could probably brush up on active listening.

The term active listening means:

It means that you listen to comprehend the perspective given to you, then respond and remember what you are told.

Surprisingly it is not that easy for a lot of us to do. We often listen to respond. We skip everything else that listening is supposed to aid in – information collection, learning, enjoyment, bonding.

So what can you do to become a better active listener?

1. Teach yourself to pay attention while reducing distractions. If you are too busy or know you are preoccupied, it is not wrong to convey that and address the expectation that you actually listened to your conversation buddy. Wait until they are done speaking to take the time to process the information. Pay attention to their body language and their words so you can note any emotions that are being managed by the speaker.
2. Use your body language to show that you are actually listening and engaged. Let them know that they are being heard.
3. Give them feedback by repeating or paraphrasing, asking for clarification, asking them how they feel, or understand a situation further.
4. Going back to the idea of reducing distractions, wait before casting judgment or assuming the overall point of the message being conveyed. Make sure they have stated their opening statement, main points and evidence, and that they have made their conclusion before you assume the conclusion. Allow your conversation buddy to finish speaking before you interject.
5. Be sure to give yourself time to respond appropriately or admit that you don’t know the proper response. Being honest about your comprehension and emotional response is better than allowing the entire solution of the situation to be misinterpreted.

Developing your emotional literacy

I already wrote a post about the basics of this here.

Learn what a healthy versus an unhealthy relationship is.

In all honesty, people are quick to charge anything that is different from the way they prefer to a relationship as inherently unhealthy. That is inaccurate. A healthy relationship is between individuals and what is healthy for one person can be detrimental to another person, which is why relationship negotiations are a must, not an option.

This is by no means a concise list for messing fantasy and reality in healthy ways. There is a lot to it, but for my experience, they are some very foundational tools to learning order to be able to start the long journey into creating your designer relationship.

 

Intersecting D/s and Poly – Negotiations

Originally posted in Black and Poly BDSM Style a cross-posted to the Poly littles and their Caregivers page.

One of the pivotal concepts that BDSM and poly intersect on is Negotiation.

It is an unfortunate observation I have made is that in some vanilla poly circle the idea of negotiation is feared because of the theory it blocks organic growth.

Now I’m not afraid to tell you that that idea is rubbish.

Negotiating is a part of communicating boundaries and breaking down personal fears. It means you’ve become self-aware of your needs, wants, and your limits as a person.

But let me let you in on a secret. All of those things can change. It can change daily even. That is why people renegotiate.

Even in 24/7 power-exchange many people have it built in that people change so you may need to renegotiate. A submissive, especially a slave, however, realizes that they could end the relationship or dynamic. But there also lies the understanding that a relationship is built on consent to dealing with compromises and taking responsibility for your actions, even those that affect others.

What makes negotiation and renegotiation healthier are that you know your limits or boundaries and don’t allow yourself to be swayed in changing who you are. You take time to look into yourself when making a compromise to be sure that it does not leave you feeling as if something was taken. You’ll feel content or you need to revisit.

We are whole individuals. Our relationship rules, negotiation, and boundaries should never leave us feeling less than that.

And yes every relationship has boundaries. Its the result of negotiations. Even telling your partner they can’t control your interactions is a boundary.

And boundaries aren’t this negative scary thing.

They should be a reminder that in alt relationship communities, we are literally creating something from scratch. Our relationship is what we make it. It is the work we put it. And it’s not easy.

That is why many find it hard to make their relationship a reality. They have the fantasy in their head, but they don’t know how to deal with real people to break the walls and predisposed inclinations we have built into us.

Polyamorous folk and BDSMers redefine every term. We don’t fit the norms of what family and relationships look like because of that, even when we mask ourselves to be palatable.

So why let a fear of words keep you and your partners from reaching your true potential? From teaching you to be your authentic self? To keep you from being able to emotionally process in various ways. That is something for you to explore.

Negotiation brings forth organic growth. It only prohibits you if you let it.

Intersecting D/s and poly – Intentional Groupings

Originally posted in and for Black and Poly BDSM Style

Something many Dominant types (and some s-types and likely switches as well) are familiar with is the creation and maintenance of houses ( leather, poly, or BDSM) and creating their own household. These are families and grouping that are created for specific purposes.

In the polyamorous community, talks about intentional communities happen often. What is an intentional community? In short, it is any planned residential based community or dwelling that was created with the intent to have social cohesion and to work together towards common goals of various types. In the BDSM community, we often reflect a style of intentional communities within the concept of cooperative living where (a) Dominant(s) share a home with those that serve them.

The main B&P group (which everyone in this group should be a member of), has a resource list for Intentional communities that may be beneficial to those of us (vanilla or kinkster) who are still looking to understand the basic structures and needs of individuals in a communal space.

https://www.facebook.com/notes/black-poly/intentional-community-references-and-resources/794483540704726

The primary difference in a D/s based intentional communities and vanilla ones is that there is a difference in the level of protocol. Many of us refer to this as an inherent hierarchy in our lifestyle.

Vanilla folk often see power exchange and authority transfer as inequality. We understand that it is not. In a D/s based poly house or family, everyone has their place based on negotiation. It is a choice based off coming to the table as equals to negotiate creating an equitable balance. Our entire system is based on the idea that at some point everyone was at equal standing to be able to consent and negotiate without coercion.

Many houses and families do have a completely egalitarian way of handling governance and decision making for its members despite P.E; especially if their intentional community is based upon a communal house that members have access to, but that all do not live in. Other’s have various hierarchies, whether the collective of Dominant types in the family/ house or certain (a) D-type(s) elected to do so.

Polyamory and BDSM (D/s) are both different lifestyles that emphasize creating designer relationships. Those of us that practice both lifestyles have a unique opportunity to mesh the lifestyles together to find ourselves and our equilibrium.

 

https://www.facebook.com/notes/black-poly/intentional-community-references-and-resources/794483540704726/

Equity in D/s based poly

Originally posted in Black and Poly BDSM Style a cross-posted to the Poly littles and their Caregivers page.

I’m sure many of you are aware that D/s dynamic doesn’t always have a couple looking for another partner.
In our lifestyle, a Dominant can have every intention of having more than one submissive.

Perhaps both are obtained at the same time. Perhaps at a different time. But the order of the hierarchy is up to the Dominant in the end.

Of course the Dominant is at the top. There are many ways that the hierarchy can be furthered. There may be an alpha submissive who is the submissive who is the most proficient in running the Dominant’s household or overseeing that the Dominant’s vision is carried out when they are not available or incapacitated.

Or the submissives are viewed as equals by the Dominant and thus that is how they should view each other.

Equality, however, is not splitting the pie in half in D/s.

It is equity. It is negotiated.

What do we mean by equity?

We mean that we create quality in the actions and time each submissive has with their Dominant, ensuring that their NEEDS are observed and cared for.

It means providing an environment for each submissive to thrive and grow as a person while in your service.

It means that fair doesn’t mean equal in a relationship; so treating everyone exactly the same is harmful and unhealthy, unless that is the NEGOTIATED and OBSERVED need.

Equality Is Not Enough: What the Classroom Has Taught Me About Justice

http://culturalorganizing.org/the-problem-with-that-equity-vs-equality-graphic/

Intersecting D/s and poly

Originally posted in Black and Poly BDSM Style

** There is a question for all to answer at the bottom. **
A M/s dyad that I had the pleasure to meet gave a beautiful perspective on how poly works.
The Master was with his slave long before her husband came into the picture.

Her Master was away at the time the slave met her future spouse for an extended period and set the days and times they could see each other. That time was solely their time. Her Master would call at the time the date should end to see she arrived home on time and say “good evening to the guy and check on his girl”.

The guy didn’t like this at all, but she was adamant that he respect her life and her choices and they got to know each other.

Once her Master was back he got to know his slave’s suitor and grew to trust him with what he considered his property.

Today the three have a closed poly family. The Master was and is a Gay man and the slave is a gay woman, so their dynamic was always open have sexual needs fulfilled (but do not go beyond that). The Master and the husband are not together. (Sounds confusing, but the lgbtqa+ and gender spectrums can be confusing). The husband understands his wife’s priority is her Master and he lives in the home that they started together. The slave and her husband are equal partners. The Master still makes all decisions for his slave after all these years, thus influencing her husband’s life as well. But this is what everyone decided worked for them in this situation.

This hierarchical dynamic was formed based on the idea of respect of a partners lifestyle choices, communication, and understanding of terms. They had many bumps and bruises, but they all supported each other and lifted the other when needed. Both men take care of her in different was and she does the same for them.

The hierarchy did not imply the newer relationship was less important to anyone. It just served a different place and had different reasons for existing.

In the BDSM world, dynamics can be part-time or 24/7.

When dating an owned submissive no matter the terms of their service, they are in service. Many of their choices are no longer their own depending on the nature of the agreements made.

When dating a 24/7 submissive who is owned, their time is often not their own. Their bodies are often consensually no longer their’s in many instances and many of their choices must be discussed with their Dominant.

But that does not change the nature of their polyamorous beliefs nor how they present them.

They love more…but ask permission to involve changes to their Dominant’s life.

They often have priorities for their time and other resources.

They have complex schedules.

They have needs you may not be able to meet… and if they are 24/7, it makes their Dominant or play partners crucial parts of their lives.

The BDSM lifestyle automatically includes hierarchy, but the most important thing we do is talk and negotiate.

What are ways you can use make sure all needs are being met ( for the D/s grouping and partners outside of that) and negotiate those terms?

Links below on negotiating in BDSM:

http://www.bdsmwiki.info/Negotiation

http://asibdsm.com/negotiating-247-bdsm-relationship/

http://www.submissiveguide.com/…/points-to-negotiate-in-yo…/

http://www.limitsunleashed.com/negotiation/