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24/7 Littles – Practical ways of being Little in the Big world.

(Adapted from my PK Table on Littles)

Stereotypes

  • How people on the outside ( and sometimes on the inside) view us.
  • Some of these stereotypes personally fit me and others don’t, but it all goes back to trying to make us fit into one singular box.
  • All littles have some sort of childhood trauma.
  • Littles and Caregivers are really pedophiles or into pedophilia.
  • All littles are little 24/7.
  • They all have some sort of Daddy complex.
  • They are all brats.
  • All littles like to be babies in diapers.
  • Littles can’t thrive in a professional/corporate world.
  • Littles aren’t strong enough to adult and get shit done.
  • Littles are unintelligent.
  • Littles just take and never give anything back to a friendship or relationship.
  • All littles are annoying.
  • Tops/sadists can’t be littles.
  • All littles are submissive.
  • Littles is 100% fetish.
  • Littles are automatically treated the same as real children.
  • All Littles are immature and irresponsible adults.
  • Being Little is just about sex.
  • Littles can’t be independent.
  • Littles have never grown up.
  • Littles have to be petite girls of a certain age.
  • Littles can’t have multiple ages.
  • Littles have to be kinky.

I’m hoping to dispel some of these stereotypes over the course of this writing and through my many other writings posted on Fetlife and Tumblr.

Continue reading

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What losing my partner taught me…(Or more Kitten Rambles)

January and April are rough months for me.

January is the anniversary of our life partners death. Like any significant other I honor her life and passing by ritual and reflection.

But April is the hardest because that is a constant reminder. I can’t ignore it either because the triads anniversary was coincidentally 2 days after Pop’s and my Bindiversary where we had our first blood binding. Coming out of April I’m a little better. A little less angry. A lot more willing people after processing.

I miss Coffee. A lot. I am also am fairly sure that her death affected my relationship style as well. I mean I think that reasonable when your family collapses after someone decides to be reckless.

As always when I really think about the loss of our chosen family and commitment I think a lot about my views of relationships and how I approach them. Lately, I’ve been thinking more along the lines of how I relationship and what that means for potential interest.  I thought I’d log it.

* I am more willing to casually date for short-term interest. I can’t casually date for extended periods of time. I am a person who becomes emotionally attached, so casual dating is not something I will agree to for more than 6 months at a time. I don’t date people I don’t see a potential future with.
* I am generally either very strict about my 6-month rule or think about how I would likely feel if my potential partner suddenly died, a lot.
I enjoy my flirtations more thoroughly rather than telling myself I shouldn’t flirt with people.
* I consider my polycule and poly family two different entities that can be inclusive.
* I refuse to be a secret partner to the people that matter in my partner’s life. It really sucks to have your partner disappear from your life completely in a week because you have absolutely no rights. So I made a decision.
* Serious relationships mean serious conversations will happen sooner rather than later.
* All aspects of a relationship are negotiable, but my personal boundaries are not. Some of my boundaries are hard and some are soft. It just depends.
* I will not engage with people who make a big deal out of me being aro/ace or that try to assign the personal meanings of the term onto me. I have literally had people argue with me on this point.
* I am not afraid to categorize people place in my life. I like categories. My partners don’t have to agree with the category they are in because its just part of how I organize my life. I have OCD. Its one of the healthier manifestations I have. Everyone has a place in my life, and sometimes until I place you I have trouble relating or communicating with you.
* Its very hard to explain even to myself sometimes that I enjoy strong chosen family bonds that aren’t romantic when they generally appear romantic and we use the same language out of convenience.

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I am a Strong Independent Polyamorous Black Woman and I have a Master.

 

I’ve seen a lot of conversation about this in the last year in slave circles. One thing that I have been asked multiple times is how does be strong and being a slave coexist. Its taken me a long time to figure out how they could possibly not.

In short, they will always be able to coexist because slavery in the BDSM subculture is no one specific thing. You can be Strong. You can be Independent, and you can be dedicated to another person completely because our perception of the meaning of a word is not always accurate to its truth or another person’s usage.

So…

There are a couple of ways that people can take this statement, but I’m going to tell you exactly what this means to me.

1. I have always taken care of myself. I grew up with that need due to life circumstances and it has carried into adulthood.

2. I am a non-monogamous woman. I practice polyamory, not for anyone else’s pleasure or need other than my own. This is my relational orientation and lovestyle. I live authentically and by my own design; By my choices for how to live. I am aware of all risk, but personally, I’m out to change the world anyway.

3. I am aware of the stereotypes surrounding black woman and fight against them and the negative impacts they have on us. Strong and Independent does not equate to 1) no need to have support from our partners, 2 our partners to not engage in partnerships with us, 3) a willingness to be used, or 4) to not engage in relationships. If we choose not to engage it is because you aren’t holding up your side in this partnership. That is one reason of many I have noted that some black woman chooses to engage in solo polyamory.

4. I am a slave and submit to the authority and ownership of another human being. I am specific is stating human being because I do not see Dominants of any gender to be omnipotent. They are flawed. They have emotions. They have needs and desires just as important as mine. I choose to give another person who I have negotiated with, trust, and have gotten to know intimately, not sexually, authority and control over every decision about my life because I know we are in alignment and if I am told “No” or to do other than I wish it for a very good reason. I live to serve and it does not take away from my identity, my way of living and loving, and my ambitions.

Remember that we are all faceted individuals and capable of so much.

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We have facets!

As a little, I expect to be taken care of by my Bigs. This is my growth. This is for me.

As a pet, I expect to be pampered. This is my self-love. This is for me.

As a slave, I expect to be used and give my all. That is not for me but for the person who I transfer ownership of my being to. This is part of my growth as well.

As a little who knows that all littles have a Big side, I know I am fully capable of caring for myself and leading myself and others. I did it before I knew about little and was owned. I still did it while owned because I was only owned by my owner.

All if these are parts of me and only one is about my submission.

The rest is about exploration.

My polyamorous nature gave me an early understanding that a single person is not needed to feed all of these, but that it is nice to have someone who gets and appreciates all parts of me including things not in this entry. I say polyamory because I don’t know that if I had ever believed in monogamy I would have the same view.

I hear almost daily that 24/7 submissives and slaves can’t do something because we have no autonomy.

To me, it is a scary notion that there are those who do not understand that most of our 24/7 lifestyle is in our mindset. We chose to submit and are aware of all of our priorities including our priorities to our self as a person at all times. Our actions are only restricted by negotiations we are active participants in.

Some people are whole on their own and some people learn to be whole through their submission and surrender.

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Problems with being a naturist when no one else you know is…

**”Naturism, or nudism, is a cultural and political movement practicing, advocating, and defending personal and social nudity, most but not all of which takes place on private property. The term may also refer to a lifestyle based on personal, family, or social nudism.**

**Naturism may take a number of forms. It may be practiced individually, within a family, socially, or in public. Additionally, there is also militant naturism, including campaigning, and extreme naturism is sometimes considered a separate category.” – Basic wiki definition for those unfamiliar with the term.**

You have to constantly remind yourself to put on clothes.

 

You don’t understand why shoes are a thing that people demand you wear bc soap and water.

Most of my clothing is short. *Makes going to conservative places an ordeal.*

I don’t wear clothes at home, so I rarely invite people over because people think that, that requires clothing to be worn.

I don’t understand why no clothes in public spaces is considered indecency. *Saying it’s the law does not actually explain it to a rebellious baby just so you know.*

You practically have to train your spouse.

You can’t go on your balcony without remembering clothes. *Trust me, KM has literally body blocked me because I can’t in the daytime at least.*

That feeling when you have had on clothes too long and you just can’t.

Being shy, but asking people you have been friends with for a while if you can just not wear clothes in their house.

Avoiding children even though you love them because the body is sexualized so much that not wanting to wear clothes is considered endangering children to some folks.

Having a weird thing about bikinis because you are ok with being naked, but bathing suits make you feel like you are wearing really stiff underwear that moves too much.
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Realizing that you are just too fucking weird for society, so you retreat into your home so you don’t make people feel weird.

Aside
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Ok I’m just gonna say it. If you don’t want to stick to your 24/7 power exchange unless it’s convenient for you, maybe you shouldn’t agree to one.

You aren’t in a 24/7 power exchange if you say no to everything that you don’t like. That is not you being abused or having no power in your life. This isn’t even about being in consideration, once you have submitted fully you made a commitment. If you need to renegotiate ask to, but sometimes that means the relationship is over and many times that is made clear.

Submissives and slaves negotiate power in their life differently than a vanilla partner would. Sometimes we have vanilla partner privileges and sometimes we don’t. You have to specify if you want that, but it still does not take anything from the fact you chose to submit. You chose/

Whether it is M/s or D/s there are ways around not liking what your Dominant says or wants you to do including doing research and asking a question before agreeing to give a person that much power over your life. Like having a conversation. Like not rushing into it.

Now people can lie, so you have to also be willing to release yourself if needed.

24/7 M/s or D/s requires trust and respect at the foundation.

Also, TPE/TAT does not mean that a submissive or slave has no autonomy or mind of their own. Stop with that shit.

** File this under reasons that I will not enter into a dynamic with a person who has a process that takes less than a year and a half to get to being collared.**

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What being a kinkster and dating has taught me over the years.

There is a big difference between being a polyamorous BDSM lifestyler who is active in the subculture versus a person who likes to play and is kinky.

Both are perfectly acceptable choices. Neither is better than the other, but one is every day, and the other is when you can do it.

I have come to learn that the way that many lifestylers approach the world vanilla and BDSM subculture is different.

I have learned that most people view the way I approach relationships as intense because unless they want to be a secondary partner to my life, they will be around my friends and family. They are all kinky. My family is my chosen family and not a single one of them vanilla ( That just happened because I thought some of my chosen fam was vanilla). We are all lifestylers to whatever extent we practice. Most practice on-going D/s. That means anyone wanting to date me will probably see protocols they don’t like if they don’t to be excluded from part of my life.

They sometimes will opt to bypass these conversations because they are “deep.” We sometimes have to break down consent, needs, ultimate desires. The discussion of feminism as a slave in the BDSM subculture can get incredibly intense. Polyamory and scheduling because I have goals in and outside the lifestyle and sometimes a packed schedule. To them, it is too much and unnecessary.

When I respect their choice, and they finally realize that we should have had those discussions things get very interesting.

  • I’ve had people try to persuade me to change who I am.
  • I’ve had people try to make me feel as if I am crazier than I am.
  • I’ve had people believe that I lack control of anything in my life because they don’t understand my life because they didn’t listen when we agreed to have the discussion.
  • If I am lucky, they will just choose to walk away, but they rarely just do that.

When dating while in the lifestyle I have definitely learned that:

  • Intense is part of the small talk. It is how you get to know parts of me. You aren’t learning my kink, you are learning how I relate. Learning that I am a slave and that is the same as learning that I like to read and prefer bookstore/park dates.
  • That if you don’t listen and feel that I am blocking you from part of my life, it is your burden to hold if you chose to avoid certain conversations.
  • That people sum BDSM up to my sex life and if that is not our relationship they end up not understanding a minimum of 50% of my being and that is not a relationship to me. I don’t do casual relationships. I don’t do partial relationship. That is a secondary partner or friendship for me.
  • That people try to relegate my alternative lifestyles to a vacuum, and that can’t happen.

So yea, I’m going to be intense. I am also going to be 100% okay if you aren’t okay with that because there is a planet full of people out there.

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Intersecting D/s and poly – The escalator to forever.

Originally posted in Black and Poly BDSM Style a cross-posted to the Poly littles and their Caregivers page.

In both the vanilla and poly words we all fall prey to the heartbreak and disappointment of forever.

We forget that no one can see the future or control it and that people and their needs change over time.

Forever can be a month or it can be till death, but realistically forever does not exist.

One thing that people, regardless of D/s interactions where one is owned and becomes their owner’s property or a free individual in a vanilla relationship, should strive to do is to enjoy the moments and cherish the memories.

Your version of forever may happen, but barring abuse and lies, be conscious that people do change and that is ok.

Submissives. Did you not change from an unowned individuals to constantly reminding yourself of your place?

Slaves, did you not learn to submit yourself to your Master in mind, body, and spirit?

Dominants, Have you not learned what it means to have ownership and what it means to be a leader so that you may have the authority and take on responsibility for the life of another person?

Those who are not in D/s exchanges, have you not learned that you do not own your partner? That you may make a request?
Have you not learned to reconstruct your view of relationships and take responsibility for your emotions?

You have experienced growth in your journey and that can change past agreements.

If also like to give you a second perspective of “forever”? If you look up the term, “continually” is also listed as a definition of forever.

This means that when someone says forever and the relationship ends they did necessarily stop loving you. It most likely means the type of love shifted. Not all valid love is romantic. As an aromantic person, I myself am very familiar with the various types of love.

What are the types of love?

You see, there are listed seven forms of one of the emotional and chemical based experiences that we as human have. All of those are beautiful in their own right and give us what we crave if we are open to it.

And as polyamorous individuals, I see our community still struggling to be open to the many shapes a relationship can take. That there are those who still run from the idea that your partners do not have to be everything for you or carbon copies of each other. That we do not need to have a relationship that is going to reach a certain point, but that there is a difference in negotiating the option that we have that destination in mind.

You can have your escalator, the final destination just may not be what you imagined.

 

Terms to look up:

Queerplatonic relationship, zucchini, aromantic relationship, platonic relationship, close friendship, romantic friendship, friends with benefits, sexual relationship

 

Links:
The 4 Kinds of Love Relationships