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No escalator please…

The last year and a half to two years have been exceeding difficult for KM and I.

We’ve had a lot happen since 2014, and most of it was swept under the rug because we didn’t have time to deal with it, it was to much emotional labor, or it just wasnt something wanted to be dealt with.

One of the things I’ve learned in life is how important communication is and not just communication, but clarity within it and active listening.

That was one major flaw that my relationship with KM suffered and why I choose a separation all those months ago (we were separated way before I ended our dynamic last year). 

Communication was lacking because of how fucked up and imperfect we are. 

There was also another factor, our completely different personalities and relationship views.

Not only do we both suffer from our own mental health issues each, but KM chose to be with a poly person who had never believed in monogamy nor understood his version of relationships and marriage. I asked questions and I still didnt get it. Like, how does government marraige mean anything more than a piece of paper?

I state my definitions and negotiate all relationships even before BDSM was a part of my world view. 

He however thought I just need to sow my wild oats.

I don’t change for people I simply renegotiate. He, however, does what he can to get the person he thinks he wants.

I notice things about people and bring them up so we can work through the negative impact and I invite others to do the same in regards to me. 

He hates criticism as much as any person I know.

We couldn’t find common ground in a relationship built on lies, especially after the power dynamic was involved.

And so I asked him to make a choice. And he made it and went back on it multiple times as our close friends will surely know. 

But the lesson that I wanted him and others to remember is that it is always ok for relationships to change and shift. 

That escalator in vanilla and D/s is not for everyone and sometimes it is, but only if you add your flair to it.

Its hard being in subcultures when there are so many people who tell you things must be a certain way.

But always remember “structures not boxes”. In every societal breakdown there are basic foundations and layouts for how relationships and interactions work; but what you must remember is that people are different and your intimate relationship are even more so.

All that matters is that you are ok with what you are doing and if not communicate it in some way to your others. 

Not by hints.

Not by half discussions that get dropped because its too hard.

But with clarity (which happens to be our family’s Emotional Literacy Skill of the Week). 

You are not obligated to be anyone other than who you are.

There are no expectations, just negotiations, contracts, emotions, expressions. In most cases, it can all be worked out, just maybe from a different perspective.

KM and I have been friends for 10 years. We have been lovers going into our seventh year. And I was his property for over 4 of those years. I absolutely loved and still love being his property and even if we cannot be in a dynamic will still in some ways see myself as his.

We had so many avenues to work things out, but got stuck. It happens. I hold no ill will or blame. We are barely away from being babies in all honesty. I’m 25 next week and he’s almost 27. Babies y’all.

I made a choice in an effort to save us both from disasters that yet again only our close friends truly understand.

But we are still here, still kicking and still best friends.

Happy 3 years of legally recognized marriage. Merry 5 years of being bound (We never severed the cord). And a blessed future for HH.

For we are forged in fire and moonlight.

Aside
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You aren’t bad Dominant if you chose not to engage with a sub who has a mental illness. It’s probably safer to chose to do so if you know you can’t handle it. It sounds romantic to push through, but sometimes you need to be logical about what you can handle and the support you can give.

If you don’t have the patience, time, knowledge or willingness to learn, and understanding, you may do more harm depending on the illness involved.

Mental illnesses are real things. For those of use who struggle with it is a tangible thing.

You have to be willing to listen and compromise on bad days and ready to switch back to y’alls version of normal on good days.

You also have to understand those bad days doesn’t mean go vanilla. Pay attention to your negotiations and make sure that you are reinforcing a safe space environment for your person to continuously be clear about their mental health.