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Intersecting D/s and Poly – Negotiations

One of the pivotal concepts that BDSM and poly intersect on is Negotiation. 

It is an unfortunate observation I have made is that in some vanilla poly circle the idea of negotiation is feared because of the theory it blocks organic growth.

Now I’m not afraid to tell you that that idea is rubbish.

Negotiating is a part of communicating boundaries and breaking down personal fears. It means you’ve become self-aware of your needs, wants, and your limits as a person.

But let me let you in on a secret. All of those things can change. It can change daily even. That is why people renegotiate.

Even in 24/7 powerexchange many people have it built in that people change, so you may need to renegotiate. A submissive, especially a slave, however, realizes that they could end the relationship or dynamic. But there also lies the understanding that a relationship is built on consent to dealing with compromises and taking responsibility for your actions, even those that affect others.

What makes negotiation and renegotiation healthier is that you know your limits or boundaries and don’t allow yourself to be swayed in changing who you are. You take time to look into yourself when making a compromise to be sure that it does not leave you feeling as if something was taken. You’ll feel content or you need to revisit.

We are whole individuals. Our relationship rules, negotiation, and boundaries should never leave us feeling less than that.

And yes every relationship has boundaries. Its the result of negotiations. Even telling your partner they can’t control your interactions is a boundary.

And boundaries aren’t this negative scary thing.

They should be a reminder that in alt relationship communities, we are literally creating something from scratch. Our relationship is what we make it. It is the work we put it. And its not easy.

That is why many find it hard to make their relationship a reality. They have the fantasy in their head, but they don’t know how to deal with real people to break the walls and predisposed inclinations we have built into us.

Polyamorous folk and BDSMers redefine every term. We don’t fit the norms of what family and relationships look like because of that, even when we mask ourselves to be palatable.

So why let a fear of words keep you and your partners from reaching your true potential? From teaching you to be your authentic self? To keep you from being able to emotionally process in various ways. That is something for you to explore.

Negotiation brings forth organic growth. It only prohibits you if you let it.

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Equity in D/s based poly

Originally posted in Black and Poly BDSM Style an cross posted to the Poly littles and their Caregivers page.

I’m sure many of you are aware that D/s dynamic doesnt always have a couple looking for another partner. 
In our lifestyle a Dominant can have every intention on having more than one submissive.

Perhaps both are obtained at the same time. Perhaps at different time. But the order of the hierarchy is up to the Dominant in the end.

Of course the Dominant is at the top. There are many ways that the hierarchy can be furthered. There may be an alpha submissive who is  the submissive who is the most proficient in running the Domianant’s household or overseeing that that the Dominant’s vision is carried out when they are not avaible or incompacitated.

Or the submissives are viewed as equals by the Dominant and thus that is how they should view each other.

Equality however is not splitting the pie in half in D/s. 

It is equity. It is negotiated.

What do we mean by equity?

We means that we create quality in the actions and time each submissive has with their Dominant, ensuring that their NEEDS are observed and cared for. 

It means providing an environment for each submissive to thrive and grow as a person while in your service.

It means that fair doesn’t mean equal in a relationships; so treating everyone exactly the same is harmful and unhealthy, unless that is the NEGOTIATED and OBSERVED need.

http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/09/equality-is-not-enough/

http://culturalorganizing.org/the-problem-with-that-equity-vs-equality-graphic/

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“Littles are often childlike adult humans.” “So you mean childish.” “No.”

If you know a little you will notice that a lot of us have different mannerisms, different ways of seeing the world, different interests that vary from some adults as well.

But what most people don’t notice is that we are adults; Literally, responsibilities, physical age and all.

A lot of people think that if they just consider us childish or immature it’s easier to place us and interact with us because you don’t have to respect that we are on your level. Y’all should probably notice how much we hold back flattening you for the blatant disrespect.

I have had a number of discussion with people, surprisingly some with Bigs, who assume that to be little is childish as in we are immature in general and simple minded… They never mean it as in having childlike interest and mannerisms.

Now before you go into how having childlike mannerisms makes you immature, let me ask you are you perfectly poised ever moment of every day and always perfectly adulting according to the “Perfect Adult Handbook?”

No? Because there isn’t one?

That’s right! How could I forget.

Well, in that case, I’m pretty sure littles who have kids, run companies, are your doctors, lawyers, and political representatives, etc ( because I’m sure you get the point), will continue to have our perfectly normal mannerisms and interest especially in casual and non-professional settings.

In the meanwhile, y’all can go be miserable in the land of no stuffies or tea parties and a severe lack of cartoons and cookies.

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Identifying abuse in BDSM

A Dominant that I know in the online community has stated many times that he feels that the BDSM community should up its game in the education towards non-consensual behavior and abuse.

His words “we need to be doing more education within the BDSM community of non-consensual dominance and control, physical abuse, threats of physical abuse, emotional abuse, threatening phone calls, disturbances at one’s place of employment, and stalking that takes place in the D/s-BDSM community under the guise of D/s and M/s.”

And oh how I wholeheartedly agree.

Many people until recently only knew that I supported D/s dynamics, when the reality is that I myself fall more in line with M/s based owner property dynamics that would be described as edge living.

I recently attended a very amazing intensive where a M/s dyad discussed how they have criticisms for how NCSF identifies abuse even for the lifestyle. So of course I went and looked at it because you can find the list in a lot of places.

I thoroughly agree that it can be inaccurate especially when you have consensually giving away all your ability to make decisions and submitted yourself to another or have been put in the position that you have taken on all the power.

We call it power exchange for a reason, because we base these dynamics on our negotiation for creating designer relationships that we have no models for. Because we are taken from our inner most needs and desires to bring our fantasy into a reality.

I know I myself have asked questions to people before about healthy ways of doing this and have often been told, ” It’s your relationship, do what makes you happy!” The problem is that most of us don’t actually know how to do what it is that makes us happy because we have to rewire our brains to understand consent, abuse , and control from a different perspective.

We do need better training and education so that we don’t just default to not my kink. We are a subculture and being able to identify and protect people from predators on both side of the slash is important because we can’t depend on law enforcement to get it.

I come across submissives and littles who are so confused about if they have the right to walk away and say no or slaves who are made to feel that if they find something is a hard limited after they have submitted, they can never voice that. What surprises me most is that some of these people aren’t newbies.

I don’t see abuse in BDSM as blurred line or even a thin line. I think we just have a hard admitting that it’s happening just like the vanilla world and that people are manipulating what we do like abusers always do.

The are the criteria for SM vs Abuse according to NCSF:

Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn?
Were there factors that negated the informed consent?
What is the relationship of the participants?
What was the nature of the activity?
What was the intent of the accused abuser?
Whether an individual’s role is top/dominant or bottom/submissive, they could be suffering abuse if they answer no to any of the following questions:
Are your needs and limits respected?
Is your relationship built on honesty, trust, and respect?
Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?
Can you function in everyday life?
Can you refuse to do illegal activities?
Can you insist on safe sex practices?
Can you choose to interact freely with others outside of your relationship?
Can you leave the situation without fearing that you will be harmed, or fearing the other participant(s) will harm themselves?
Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?
Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?

*My problems with this is that too often we don’t understand what informed consent is and how to withdraw it. I have personally been apart of discussions where people are often accused of victim shaming for promoting that people educate themselves on the nuances of the lifestyle because that is the best protection in this lifestyle. It is and you lack of knowledge does not excuse predators, but in the future understanding not to submit to someone or play with someone who does not respect things like limits, past sexual encounters, mental health, etc is a great help to you.

I feel that sex-positive culture is sometimes not critical enough about what informed consent in the BDSM lifestyle is and how to identify needs and limits.

*We preach honesty, trust, and respect a lot, but it is often so one-sided in the lifestyle. We also sometimes fail to actually discuss how to repair trust and respect in the face of dishonesty without pretty much saying you have to make a choice to forgive but not forget.

*Can you function in everyday life is also a very subjective process.

*”Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?” In a M/s or Owner property dynamic, these are not choices that the slave or property necessarily makes, but that doesn’t mean it is abuse. I know that, but the amount of times I’ve seen people who don’t understand M/s tell a slave to leave just because they no longer make the decision in their life.

*”Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?” I can no longer count the times I have had to talk to someone about the difference between outing someone and choosing to be authentic, while also taking into consideration that the vanilla world is not always friendly to us. I have also had to explain to people that that doesn’t mean that their partner gets to shut them off from people. I even get people my age and younger who engage in dangerous practices because they can’t tell anyone who knows them.

Now I’m not saying that communities are not doing anything, but I do think in some places we are failing to help people understand the differences and protect themselves. I also think we use NMK and “It’s your relationship” to hide behind.

These guidelines often still don’t fit into the context of what many people understand of the lifestyle and I wonder if it simply focusing on making things seem more palatable to the outside world.

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Shit people say when you are in an interracial relationship

I don’t have a color preference. I think that is a stupid thing to pick friends and partners by, but because I don’t, I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit over the years. Especially having my longest relationship being too a white guy who was practically politically apathetic when we started dating.
Here is a list ( that will likely grow) of stupid things people have said to me over my 24 years as a Black woman… These are vanilla and D/s assumptions.

* *People think you are into race play with everyone.*
* *People think you like degradation.*
* *People assume your relationship is based off of American slavery of black.*
* *People assume you were in need of being saved.*
* *People assume you accept casual racism as humor. But seriously though fuck you.*
* Black people get angry at you for giving up on black men and demeaning female superiority with a shit guy’s my Domly. But I don’t believe women are superior. I believe in equality and I’m poly. There is no need for me to wait around for a Black King or prince bc he could be a little too), plus I’m LGBT.*
* *If you are opinionated and educated ( whether self-taught or by higher education) you hate black men. **What even***
* *You are obviously an angry black woman. **I mean I’m a naturally grumpy cat-human, but bubbles exist. Plus that is a really tired archetype for black women.***
* **You think people who share similar cultural backgrounds to you are trash…
* *So therefore, you are uppity, an oreo, a race traitor, I can go on… *
* *Your spouse is a cuck.*
* *If you are pro-black you are using you spouse as a cover for your racism.*
* *You are racist. Like you are just a big fucking racist who reinforces all forms of racism especially systemic racism, bc history is not a thing that influences the present. Let me remind you it has not be 100 years yet since my relationship was considered illegal and there were people all over who still think it should be. Something about not diluting blood or something. *
* *You are fucking coon.**
* *You deserve to die. I mean yea. But bruh.*
* *People seriously love to tell me how well-spoken I am, especially after telling me I have a pretty skin color. Oh and sometimes they even state that I’m a pretty black girl. But bc I’m light skin. The fuck…*
* *I’ve been called an Ethiopian princess and an ethnic goddess. Really it’s not a compliment.*
People don’t understand that race is actually a bigger part of your life than its needs to be bc they do that to you. They are part of the problem.

Until my second year of college, I avoided race discussion because I didn’t and still don’t care about the race of the people I meet and care for. My grandmother who grew up in the 40s and 50s and so I ignored it because the world was different. Right? By my second year of college, however, I realized we keep repeating history in various ways. I could no longer ignore the negative impact that race had played in my life and the lives of others.

I could no longer ignore that people are being murdered and abused for the color of their skin.

I could no longer ignore that my southern pride was far different than the guy in high school whose family was all about southern pride, confederate flag and all. But he told me “I really want to take you out but my family will hate you” , and later I found out why he was afraid to tell me the reason. There are two types of southern pride and that shocked the hell out of me.

I could no longer ignore that there are people who think many students of color don’t work hard to get an education and just get handouts.

I can’t ignore that on more than one occasion I’ve been assumed to be a criminal for the color of my skin and that the well dressed white guy was the reason they didn’t say something.

There are many things that don’t affect me when it comes to race issues because within racial issues. Colorism plays a factor.

But in the end, all of this shows that it’s not just racial hate. It is racial ignorance.
And it’s a problem.

So to those who don’t  get it, we are militant. I am militant. It is simply not a matter of comfort, it is about lives. Living. Breathing. Existing because racism in some places is still that bad.

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24/7 Littles – Practical ways of being Little in the Big world.

(Adapted from my PK Table on Littles)

Stereotypes

  • How people on the outside ( and sometimes on the inside) view us.
  • Some of these stereotypes personally fit me and others don’t, but it all goes back to trying to make us fit into one singular box.
  • All littles have some sort of childhood trauma.
  • Littles and Caregivers are really pedophiles or into pedophilia.
  • All littles are little 24/7.
  • They all have some sort of Daddy complex.
  • They are all brats.
  • All littles like to be babies in diapers.
  • Littles can’t thrive in a professional/corporate world.
  • Littles aren’t strong enough to adult and get shit done.
  • Littles are unintelligent.
  • Littles just take and never give anything back to a friendship or relationship.
  • All littles are annoying.
  • Tops/sadists can’t be littles.
  • All littles are submissive.
  • Littles is 100% fetish.
  • Littles are automatically treated the same as real children.
  • All Littles are immature and irresponsible adults.
  • Being Little is just about sex.
  • Littles can’t be independent.
  • Littles have never grown up.
  • Littles have to be petite girls of a certain age.
  • Littles can’t have multiple ages.
  • Littles have to be kinky.

I’m hoping to dispel some of these stereotypes over the course of this writing and through my many other writings posted on Fetlife and Tumblr.

Continue reading

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There is a right and wrong type of selfish

TL;DR: Shits happening. Kinda dealing. Changes? Always okay.

For some reason, there are people with this harebrained idea that I am a good role model.

One of the things that I have always told new submissive types no matter the age is “To find your motivation.”

I lost my motivation and someone reminded me that that is what I need to do.

The problem is that I identified that I was losing my motivation a while ago and I asked for advice and help. And I was ignored because it was not the convenient thing that fit in with ego and fear.

My primary motivation for being someone else’s was not love and all the fluffy stuff.

It was simply being of service and making life easier.

That was a self-motivating factor because those are intrinsic needs for me.

I think for everyone there is a definite turning point before there is nothing that matters.

When you keep trying and giving, eventually everything goes dark.

In Power Exchange dynamics, people often become too selfish and forget that they are dealing with people. Forget that even if they are not a person who needs much, they still require that their needs be met.

And you don’t get to determine what their needs are.

No matter the relationship you have.