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Ok I’m just gonna say it. If you don’t want to stick to your 24/7 power exchange unless it’s convenient for you, maybe you shouldn’t agree to one.

You aren’t in a 24/7 power exchange if you say no to everything that you don’t like. That is not you being abused or having no power in your life. This isn’t even about being in consideration, once you have submitted fully you made a commitment. If you need to renegotiate ask to, but sometimes that means the relationship is over and many times that is made clear.

Submissives and slaves negotiate power in their life differently than a vanilla partner would. Sometimes we have vanilla partner privileges and sometimes we don’t. You have to specify if you want that, but it still does not take anything from the fact you chose to submit. You chose/

Whether it is M/s or D/s there are ways around not liking what your Dominant says or wants you to do including doing research and asking a question before agreeing to give a person that much power over your life. Like having a conversation. Like not rushing into it.

Now people can lie, so you have to also be willing to release yourself if needed.

24/7 M/s or D/s requires trust and respect at the foundation.

Also, TPE/TAT does not mean that a submissive or slave has no autonomy or mind of their own. Stop with that shit.

** File this under reasons that I will not enter into a dynamic with a person who has a process that takes less than a year and a half to get to being collared.**

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What being a kinkster and dating has taught me over the years.

There is a big difference between being a polyamorous BDSM lifestyler who is active in the subculture versus a person who likes to play and is kinky.

Both are perfectly acceptable choices. Neither is better than the other, but one is every day, and the other is when you can do it.

I have come to learn that the way that many lifestylers approach the world vanilla and BDSM subculture is different.

I have learned that most people view the way I approach relationships as intense because unless they want to be a secondary partner to my life, they will be around my friends and family. They are all kinky. My family is my chosen family and not a single one of them vanilla ( That just happened because I thought some of my chosen fam was vanilla). We are all lifestylers to whatever extent we practice. Most practice on-going D/s. That means anyone wanting to date me will probably see protocols they don’t like if they don’t to be excluded from part of my life.

They sometimes will opt to bypass these conversations because they are “deep.” We sometimes have to break down consent, needs, ultimate desires. The discussion of feminism as a slave in the BDSM subculture can get incredibly intense. Polyamory and scheduling because I have goals in and outside the lifestyle and sometimes a packed schedule. To them, it is too much and unnecessary.

When I respect their choice, and they finally realize that we should have had those discussions things get very interesting.

  • I’ve had people try to persuade me to change who I am.
  • I’ve had people try to make me feel as if I am crazier than I am.
  • I’ve had people believe that I lack control of anything in my life because they don’t understand my life because they didn’t listen when we agreed to have the discussion.
  • If I am lucky, they will just choose to walk away, but they rarely just do that.

When dating while in the lifestyle I have definitely learned that:

  • Intense is part of the small talk. It is how you get to know parts of me. You aren’t learning my kink, you are learning how I relate. Learning that I am a slave and that is the same as learning that I like to read and prefer bookstore/park dates.
  • That if you don’t listen and feel that I am blocking you from part of my life, it is your burden to hold if you chose to avoid certain conversations.
  • That people sum BDSM up to my sex life and if that is not our relationship they end up not understanding a minimum of 50% of my being and that is not a relationship to me. I don’t do casual relationships. I don’t do partial relationship. That is a secondary partner or friendship for me.
  • That people try to relegate my alternative lifestyles to a vacuum, and that can’t happen.

So yea, I’m going to be intense. I am also going to be 100% okay if you aren’t okay with that because there is a planet full of people out there.

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Intersecting D/s and poly – The escalator to forever.

Originally posted in Black and Poly BDSM Style a cross-posted to the Poly littles and their Caregivers page.

In both the vanilla and poly words we all fall prey to the heartbreak and disappointment of forever.

We forget that no one can see the future or control it and that people and their needs change over time.

Forever can be a month or it can be till death, but realistically forever does not exist.

One thing that people, regardless of D/s interactions where one is owned and becomes their owner’s property or a free individual in a vanilla relationship, should strive to do is to enjoy the moments and cherish the memories.

Your version of forever may happen, but barring abuse and lies, be conscious that people do change and that is ok.

Submissives. Did you not change from an unowned individuals to constantly reminding yourself of your place?

Slaves, did you not learn to submit yourself to your Master in mind, body, and spirit?

Dominants, Have you not learned what it means to have ownership and what it means to be a leader so that you may have the authority and take on responsibility for the life of another person?

Those who are not in D/s exchanges, have you not learned that you do not own your partner? That you may make a request?
Have you not learned to reconstruct your view of relationships and take responsibility for your emotions?

You have experienced growth in your journey and that can change past agreements.

If also like to give you a second perspective of “forever”? If you look up the term, “continually” is also listed as a definition of forever.

This means that when someone says forever and the relationship ends they did necessarily stop loving you. It most likely means the type of love shifted. Not all valid love is romantic. As an aromantic person, I myself am very familiar with the various types of love.

What are the types of love?

You see, there are listed seven forms of one of the emotional and chemical based experiences that we as human have. All of those are beautiful in their own right and give us what we crave if we are open to it.

And as polyamorous individuals, I see our community still struggling to be open to the many shapes a relationship can take. That there are those who still run from the idea that your partners do not have to be everything for you or carbon copies of each other. That we do not need to have a relationship that is going to reach a certain point, but that there is a difference in negotiating the option that we have that destination in mind.

You can have your escalator, the final destination just may not be what you imagined.

 

Terms to look up:

Queerplatonic relationship, zucchini, aromantic relationship, platonic relationship, close friendship, romantic friendship, friends with benefits, sexual relationship

 

Links:
The 4 Kinds of Love Relationships

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No escalator please…

The last year and a half to two years have been exceeding difficult for KM and I.

We’ve had a lot happen since 2014, and most of it was swept under the rug because we didn’t have time to deal with it, it was to much emotional labor, or it just wasnt something wanted to be dealt with.

One of the things I’ve learned in life is how important communication is and not just communication, but clarity within it and active listening.

That was one major flaw that my relationship with KM suffered and why I choose a separation all those months ago (we were separated way before I ended our dynamic last year). 

Communication was lacking because of how fucked up and imperfect we are. 

There was also another factor, our completely different personalities and relationship views.

Not only do we both suffer from our own mental health issues each, but KM chose to be with a poly person who had never believed in monogamy nor understood his version of relationships and marriage. I asked questions and I still didnt get it. Like, how does government marraige mean anything more than a piece of paper?

I state my definitions and negotiate all relationships even before BDSM was a part of my world view. 

He however thought I just need to sow my wild oats.

I don’t change for people I simply renegotiate. He, however, does what he can to get the person he thinks he wants.

I notice things about people and bring them up so we can work through the negative impact and I invite others to do the same in regards to me. 

He hates criticism as much as any person I know.

We couldn’t find common ground in a relationship built on lies, especially after the power dynamic was involved.

And so I asked him to make a choice. And he made it and went back on it multiple times as our close friends will surely know. 

But the lesson that I wanted him and others to remember is that it is always ok for relationships to change and shift. 

That escalator in vanilla and D/s is not for everyone and sometimes it is, but only if you add your flair to it.

Its hard being in subcultures when there are so many people who tell you things must be a certain way.

But always remember “structures not boxes”. In every societal breakdown there are basic foundations and layouts for how relationships and interactions work; but what you must remember is that people are different and your intimate relationship are even more so.

All that matters is that you are ok with what you are doing and if not communicate it in some way to your others. 

Not by hints.

Not by half discussions that get dropped because its too hard.

But with clarity (which happens to be our family’s Emotional Literacy Skill of the Week). 

You are not obligated to be anyone other than who you are.

There are no expectations, just negotiations, contracts, emotions, expressions. In most cases, it can all be worked out, just maybe from a different perspective.

KM and I have been friends for 10 years. We have been lovers going into our seventh year. And I was his property for over 4 of those years. I absolutely loved and still love being his property and even if we cannot be in a dynamic will still in some ways see myself as his.

We had so many avenues to work things out, but got stuck. It happens. I hold no ill will or blame. We are barely away from being babies in all honesty. I’m 25 next week and he’s almost 27. Babies y’all.

I made a choice in an effort to save us both from disasters that yet again only our close friends truly understand.

But we are still here, still kicking and still best friends.

Happy 3 years of legally recognized marriage. Merry 5 years of being bound (We never severed the cord). And a blessed future for HH.

For we are forged in fire and moonlight.

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You aren’t bad Dominant if you chose not to engage with a sub who has a mental illness. It’s probably safer to chose to do so if you know you can’t handle it. It sounds romantic to push through, but sometimes you need to be logical about what you can handle and the support you can give.

If you don’t have the patience, time, knowledge or willingness to learn, and understanding, you may do more harm depending on the illness involved.

Mental illnesses are real things. For those of use who struggle with it is a tangible thing.

You have to be willing to listen and compromise on bad days and ready to switch back to y’alls version of normal on good days.

You also have to understand those bad days doesn’t mean go vanilla. Pay attention to your negotiations and make sure that you are reinforcing a safe space environment for your person to continuously be clear about their mental health.

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Slave Bullet Journal

 

I really love bullet journals so I designed my slave journal based on that concept.

I am only sharing some of the less “private” parts as an example of how versatile this can be.

My honest opinion is that everyone should have some type of journal for there personal processing.

My journal includes:
-a penciled description list of who I am in my view.
-my gratitude log
-my service education goals (because I am a service oriented submissive type).
-Total Power Exchange/Authority Transfer quotes I like.
-my weekly reflections spread
-a place to rant
-Check-in notes.
-Potential Blog topics
-My slave code of ethics
– my personal goals a a slave
-currently reading
-my self care go to

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hierarchy Is Not A Bad Word.

I’d like to take a moment to reiterate that hierarchy is not a bad word.

I will posit that the polyamorous community, in general, has misconstrued the term. I believe that this is due to a lack of knowledge about the types of non-monogamy, ignorance about polyamory and the many ways that it presents itself, a lack of knowledge of the fact relationships are negotiation which we have no presets in non-monogamy, and a lack of self knowledge.

Hierarchy is not about abuse and unhealthy behaviours, as polyamory in general is not, but unhealthy and abusive people can use it.

Hierarchy is a description of the organization of an individual’s or a units resources.

Yes, there are people who have to really focus on how they place their resources like time, energy, and money.

Outside of the concepts that bore the BDSM subculture or the concepts that model BDSM power exchange, whether used in lifestyle or not, hierarchy is often misidentified, misused, and really damn unhealthy.

Hierarchy is not about one person’s importance over another in terms of value. In D/s, hierarchy is based on consequence. The decision makers, the ones who take responsibility for outcomes as negotiated.

And there is that word agained.

Negotiated.

Hierarchy is not a excuse to exert couples privelege. It is not an excuse to be abusive. It is not an excuse to ignore consent.

Couples let me make it clear that I am not standing up for abusive practices you may exhibit.

There is no hierarchy if there is no negotiation. You don’t decide if there is hierarchy and push it on others any more than you decide for your partners that the poly group practices parallel or kitchen table style poly. It is a GROUP choice.

It is consent.

It is autonomy as individuals.

It is you not having the right to impose anything on another person without their permission.