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Joining a poly household is not always about immediate gratification

Some people may know that once Papa decided that we were going transition to M/s, it also reshaped the structure of his House and made it very apparent that there were some ground rules that needed to be set for the Hermitage household.

Sir has a process that essentially makes it to that any submissive coming into the household will not have their collar of ownership for a minimum of 2 years. Sir has had one person formally balk at the concept of the commitment that takes and we recently had someone express that they felt that it was unfair that they wouldn’t be considered part of the family for so long.

But you see there can be a difference between being someone’s submissive versus being a submissive that is a part of a poly household with power exchange. And in there Hermitage there is a difference.

See all of the relationships in a polyamorous family grouping have the potential to impact each other. If you don’t have the skills necessary to handle the potential conflicts but you choose to jump head-first into that environment things can fall apart and people can get hurt. People may have missed crucial communication opportunities and the expression of crucial boundaries.

And our family it so happens that the person who is the only slave currently in the family also has multiple mental health diagnoses.

Papa has full authority over all aspects of my life. He has decided that he wants full authority and therefore the responsibility that comes with that authority. This means that every action that he takes also must take into consideration my health and mental health and therefore our process essentially addresses the fact that I suffer from depression, anxiety, I have OCD, and multiple other disorders that without a proper understanding of them can affect other submissives in the family negatively because of the assumptions that they will make if they are unaware of what these disorders and illnesses are.

The process boils down to Papa mitigating risk for the people joining his family and reinforcing the fact that he believes that informed consent is foundational for what we do.

This process was specifically designed to ensure that every person under his service learns that they are valued and have a voice before they ask for their collar. Yes, you ask him when you have completed the milestones and feel you are ready to reach the next step. You write your petition and tell him why you are ready. He doesn’t make the choices for you until both of you have made that agreement.

Each step in the processes addresses a concept that is crucial to being in this household.
You have to have knowledge of:
* Mental health disorders
* Communication techniques
* Creating ongoing Self-awareness
* Emotional literacy
* A basic foundation of BDSM, an understanding of Authority transfer and dynamic negotiations.
* A basic foundation in the various types of non-monogamous and polyamorous models that exist and knowledge of the continuously growing poly lexicon.

All to be sure that partners can advocate for themselves at any point. So that they can have the knowledge they need.

There are three very literal stages they just take some time.
* Stage one – Basic understandings and getting to understand each other, aka the in-service stage.
* Stage two – Deeper understanding, negotiations, and integrations, aka the consideration stage.
* Stage three- Acceptance and adoption- aka Congratulations you are collared.

Now my flaw may be that the organization aspect of this feeds me. I know when someone petitions Papa that I have approximately 3 months before he will ask me to be ok with having a new person’s germs introduced into my space. 6 months before I will have to deal with my OCD getting triggered often when the new person will be at Home as often as possible and it takes time to learn where things go because there are certain things that people can not touch and also have another person’s things in the place I live and consider my safe haven because I am agoraphobic. 1 year before I definitely have to be ok with someone else cooking in my kitchen.

I’m currently going through the process myself. The timing that has been given as minimum seems pretty great to me, because if you do anything but hold down a full-time job finding time to schedule this is hard.

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Home Sweet Home

I’m terrible at relationships…

As of this week Pop and I have been together for 7 years, friends for almost 11, and 6 years in PE.

And I still daily fight the urge to just walk away.

Not because I don’t love him, which some people actually I believe, but because he knows me.

Aside from my blood family that I am kind of stuck with, he is the only person that I have kept this long.

For me, that is scary as hell.

I think 5 years is the longest I have any friend or chosen family member around.

He knows my dark. He knows my literal crazy. He is armed with every detail that he can use to break if he wanted to because we have no secrets.

That terrifies me and I absolutely do not want it, but I need it.

I mean don’t get me wrong. Pop and I have gone through some really fucking dark shit in our relationship.

I have packed my shit and tried to leave a few times because I don’t do this. I don’t be vulnerable. I don’t let people in.

Life taught me that you don’t trust anyone, much less the people you want to.

Pop has spent the majority of our power exchange dynamic pushing me to accept love. To accept that not everyone is out there to hurt you. To learn to forgive but never forget. To not force myself to hide the dark in me. To embrace the parts of myself that always made me unworthy. To express what I want because I don’t merely deserve to scrape by on the basic necessity of my need.

So I work hard to be ok. I work hard not to hold the hurt against him and others. I work hard to be vulnerable.

Because I know that even though he is so imperfect, that he will never try to intentionally break me like others have. So I put in the work to deal with my shit, settle my dark, and stay “Home”.

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When I say “I want a harem of bigs”…

People look at me like I’m crazy.

I’ve literally had people tell me that I am being utterly disrespectful to my Owner, which if you said that in his earshot you likely would get a verbal lashing from him.

1

We are poly. We both are open to having multiple partners and we happen to rarely date together. I love the idea of huge poly families, so of course, I want a who section of my own in mine.

2

Having multiple Bigs does not imply that I want multiple Owners. It does not only imply that I want multiple 24/7 dynamics. It does not even imply that I am looking for other people to be my Dominants. It does not imply we are going to date. Those are all options, but Bigs are not all Dominants. They are Caregivers in a negotiated dynamic. I mean that really seem like a duh statement to me but okay.

3

Vampire Princess. Like, I like having people available to do things for me. I may be interested in having my own Sire line. IDK bc that sounds like responsibility and while I’m really good at that, I avoid being a responsible as much as I can. I think we have established that I’ve become very spoiled. But like the great thing about being adults is that like we can choose what we want to do so no one has to spoil me if they don’t wanna. Again, like super duh.

4

I probably don’t want you as much as you don’t want a little. Why are you even freaking out? What even?

5

It doesn’t make me an undercover D/s switch or actually a Dominant. The more people get to know me the more they learn that while I have an extremely dominant personality, I am submissive by nature. I am highly opinionated and I like what I like. Sunbae encourages that. I suppose if you don’t like it you could complain to Sunbae. He’s probably just gonna look at you like you are stupid.

More rambles. Rambly. Ram.

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What losing my partner taught me…(Or more Kitten Rambles)

January and April are rough months for me.

January is the anniversary of our life partners death. Like any significant other I honor her life and passing by ritual and reflection.

But April is the hardest because that is a constant reminder. I can’t ignore it either because the triads anniversary was coincidentally 2 days after Pop’s and my Bindiversary where we had our first blood binding. Coming out of April I’m a little better. A little less angry. A lot more willing people after processing.

I miss Coffee. A lot. I am also am fairly sure that her death affected my relationship style as well. I mean I think that reasonable when your family collapses after someone decides to be reckless.

As always when I really think about the loss of our chosen family and commitment I think a lot about my views of relationships and how I approach them. Lately, I’ve been thinking more along the lines of how I relationship and what that means for potential interest.  I thought I’d log it.

* I am more willing to casually date for short-term interest. I can’t casually date for extended periods of time. I am a person who becomes emotionally attached, so casual dating is not something I will agree to for more than 6 months at a time. I don’t date people I don’t see a potential future with.
* I am generally either very strict about my 6-month rule or think about how I would likely feel if my potential partner suddenly died, a lot.
I enjoy my flirtations more thoroughly rather than telling myself I shouldn’t flirt with people.
* I consider my polycule and poly family two different entities that can be inclusive.
* I refuse to be a secret partner to the people that matter in my partner’s life. It really sucks to have your partner disappear from your life completely in a week because you have absolutely no rights. So I made a decision.
* Serious relationships mean serious conversations will happen sooner rather than later.
* All aspects of a relationship are negotiable, but my personal boundaries are not. Some of my boundaries are hard and some are soft. It just depends.
* I will not engage with people who make a big deal out of me being aro/ace or that try to assign the personal meanings of the term onto me. I have literally had people argue with me on this point.
* I am not afraid to categorize people place in my life. I like categories. My partners don’t have to agree with the category they are in because its just part of how I organize my life. I have OCD. Its one of the healthier manifestations I have. Everyone has a place in my life, and sometimes until I place you I have trouble relating or communicating with you.
* Its very hard to explain even to myself sometimes that I enjoy strong chosen family bonds that aren’t romantic when they generally appear romantic and we use the same language out of convenience.

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I am a Strong Independent Polyamorous Black Woman and I have a Master.

 

I’ve seen a lot of conversation about this in the last year in slave circles. One thing that I have been asked multiple times is how does be strong and being a slave coexist. Its taken me a long time to figure out how they could possibly not.

In short, they will always be able to coexist because slavery in the BDSM subculture is no one specific thing. You can be Strong. You can be Independent, and you can be dedicated to another person completely because our perception of the meaning of a word is not always accurate to its truth or another person’s usage.

So…

There are a couple of ways that people can take this statement, but I’m going to tell you exactly what this means to me.

1. I have always taken care of myself. I grew up with that need due to life circumstances and it has carried into adulthood.

2. I am a non-monogamous woman. I practice polyamory, not for anyone else’s pleasure or need other than my own. This is my relational orientation and lovestyle. I live authentically and by my own design; By my choices for how to live. I am aware of all risk, but personally, I’m out to change the world anyway.

3. I am aware of the stereotypes surrounding black woman and fight against them and the negative impacts they have on us. Strong and Independent does not equate to 1) no need to have support from our partners, 2 our partners to not engage in partnerships with us, 3) a willingness to be used, or 4) to not engage in relationships. If we choose not to engage it is because you aren’t holding up your side in this partnership. That is one reason of many I have noted that some black woman chooses to engage in solo polyamory.

4. I am a slave and submit to the authority and ownership of another human being. I am specific is stating human being because I do not see Dominants of any gender to be omnipotent. They are flawed. They have emotions. They have needs and desires just as important as mine. I choose to give another person who I have negotiated with, trust, and have gotten to know intimately, not sexually, authority and control over every decision about my life because I know we are in alignment and if I am told “No” or to do other than I wish it for a very good reason. I live to serve and it does not take away from my identity, my way of living and loving, and my ambitions.

Remember that we are all faceted individuals and capable of so much.

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We have facets!

As a little, I expect to be taken care of by my Bigs. This is my growth. This is for me.

As a pet, I expect to be pampered. This is my self-love. This is for me.

As a slave, I expect to be used and give my all. That is not for me but for the person who I transfer ownership of my being to. This is part of my growth as well.

As a little who knows that all littles have a Big side, I know I am fully capable of caring for myself and leading myself and others. I did it before I knew about little and was owned. I still did it while owned because I was only owned by my owner.

All if these are parts of me and only one is about my submission.

The rest is about exploration.

My polyamorous nature gave me an early understanding that a single person is not needed to feed all of these, but that it is nice to have someone who gets and appreciates all parts of me including things not in this entry. I say polyamory because I don’t know that if I had ever believed in monogamy I would have the same view.

I hear almost daily that 24/7 submissives and slaves can’t do something because we have no autonomy.

To me, it is a scary notion that there are those who do not understand that most of our 24/7 lifestyle is in our mindset. We chose to submit and are aware of all of our priorities including our priorities to our self as a person at all times. Our actions are only restricted by negotiations we are active participants in.

Some people are whole on their own and some people learn to be whole through their submission and surrender.

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Problems with being a naturist when no one else you know is…

**”Naturism, or nudism, is a cultural and political movement practicing, advocating, and defending personal and social nudity, most but not all of which takes place on private property. The term may also refer to a lifestyle based on personal, family, or social nudism.**

**Naturism may take a number of forms. It may be practiced individually, within a family, socially, or in public. Additionally, there is also militant naturism, including campaigning, and extreme naturism is sometimes considered a separate category.” – Basic wiki definition for those unfamiliar with the term.**

You have to constantly remind yourself to put on clothes.

 

You don’t understand why shoes are a thing that people demand you wear bc soap and water.

Most of my clothing is short. *Makes going to conservative places an ordeal.*

I don’t wear clothes at home, so I rarely invite people over because people think that, that requires clothing to be worn.

I don’t understand why no clothes in public spaces is considered indecency. *Saying it’s the law does not actually explain it to a rebellious baby just so you know.*

You practically have to train your spouse.

You can’t go on your balcony without remembering clothes. *Trust me, KM has literally body blocked me because I can’t in the daytime at least.*

That feeling when you have had on clothes too long and you just can’t.

Being shy, but asking people you have been friends with for a while if you can just not wear clothes in their house.

Avoiding children even though you love them because the body is sexualized so much that not wanting to wear clothes is considered endangering children to some folks.

Having a weird thing about bikinis because you are ok with being naked, but bathing suits make you feel like you are wearing really stiff underwear that moves too much.
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Realizing that you are just too fucking weird for society, so you retreat into your home so you don’t make people feel weird.