When you are out…

some people treat you differently.

As a 24/7 Little and s-type, who is out, I get all types of stereotypes thrown at me.

I’m a submissive sooo….

  • I’m weak.
  • I can’t make decisions for myself.
  • It is my goal to reinforce gender roles and send women back to the dark ages. laughs
  • I’m meek. what???
  • I serve everyone.
  • I’m only what my Dominant wants me to be.

I’m a little so obvs….

  • I’m automatically immature.
  • I don’t know how to adult.
  • I’m not responsible.
  • I’m a perpetual 3-year-old. I mean kind, but not really.
  • I’m not very smart.
  • I can’t be a working professional. rolls eyes so hard

I mean I can go on about the list of assumptions about people like me that people make. People don’t understand because this is not their life. I find it more annoying, though, when the stereotypes come from within the communities we exist in.

Being out isn’t what it is always cracked up to be.

It can create distance between you and people you are close to.

I pretty much lost my best friend over being out about BDSM, Paganism, witchcraft, and being LGBTQIAA because her significant other felt I was a bad example for his kid, and I didn’t even talk about this stuff around the kid.

By the time I came out to my parents about the BDSM lifestyle, we had already been through the shit storm of teenage coming out. I’m pretty anti parents bragging about how they would put their kid out if they find out they are gay just because it does,’t go with their religious beliefs so I got pissed and that was my coming out. Challenging the authority figure to walk the walk. So my parents are pretty cool about it as long as they don’t have to deal with it or as long as I avoid talking about it even covertly around my younger brother. Which is a really big no duh, but whateves.


Back to kinky coming outs.

The problem is not being you. Everybody should be able to be themselves, especially if people are not non-consensually hurting others. The problem is that people won’t bother to figure out what is real.

So when you come out you have to figure out how you are going to handle things.

Are you going to be able to set the record straight and stand up for yourself if need be?
Who are you coming out to?
How badly will it affect you if those people are not receptive?
What are the foreseeable problems it will cause?

Coming out is a great thing though because you get to live authenticly.

After our partner died I decided that I can’t live half truths; I can’t live in the shadows.

All the half truths and lies weren’t a fun experience and before then I felt that living a BDSM lifestyle that we kept quiet about would be fine. But after the stress of worrying about her being outed on poly and BDSM which she was very closeted about, and trying to cover things up, I decided I’d rather be out and build up from there. Dealing with the idea of figuring out how to cover up parts of our life was way more than what I wanted to deal with. Having to be careful about who I let into my life and what I said was a pain.

And it’s a pain that I decided to live without. I told Da that I just can’t hide.

For me, it’s been a good and bad experience. I’ve lost people, I’ve gained people, I’ve open people worlds up a bit.

From previous experience, I learned the difference in being out and what information people don’t necessarily need to know. Pretty much if I share info with you I feel you need to know it or I feel close enough to share it.

I’ve also spent the last 4 years as an activist for many causes from an educational perspective mostly, so I have a tendency to inform people of my involvement in kink and lifestyle BDSM as needed. Which is actually a lot. I also inform new friends and potential partners that I am very out.

It has been an interesting experience of meeting people who think one thing about you, but then see you in another light as soon as they find out you are into BDSM. It’s not an overwhelmingly new experience, however.

One of the major questions people ask me since I’m out and open is should I come out.

My answer is always going to be yes. Being out and people seeing it destigmatizes. It allows people to get good information.

BUT, I also advise people to look at their personal situation.

I hate morality clauses, but they exist and in general an employer can see almost anything as reason enough to terminate employment. BDSM is not protected.

Can you handle if your family finds out or you tell them and they want nothing to do with you?

You know stuff like that.

Coming our can effectively change your world, for the better or for the worst.
But it can also be an amazing step if you are willing to take it.

Always remember, being out does not mean you HAVE to shout it from the rooftop.

Originally published on my fet


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